Day 11

Even as much as I care, I try not to care, or at least I try not to let it show. Everyone seems to know, anyway. Little things here or there, "Are you okay?"

It's so nice being able to go to the gym and just punish myself. It's such a great stress reliever. I feel like a real wuss working with the trainer guy. It seems like I barely do anything before my whole body just feels like Jello.

I'm not going to blog about last night other than my suspicions were confirmed that she has a boyfriend. I must say, it hurts a little. But really, what doesn't, anymore? No, we didn't get in an argument, and no I didn't spy on her. Nothing crazy happened. I didn't even say anything to her when I heard it. I just bit my tongue and sat here on the computer like nothing ever happened.

I'm tired of this charade. I'm tired of living here. I hate being in this house like this.

Day 10 Continued...

I got home around 8:30. I had a great, peaceful drive. No traffic at all. I listened to Howard Stern reruns from this past week. I'd heard some of it on Friday, but most of it I hadn't. It was a good way to keep my mind occupied.

It's just such a weird element being here. Everything is just so uncomfortable and tense.

Back to the gym tomorrow. My legs are moving a little better today. I'm still somewhat stiff, but I'm moving without too much pain. I could force myself to work out on the bike or treadmill or something. In fact, I think it might be good for me to help me loosen up.

Day 10

Ooh, I skipped a day. How crazy is that?

Yesterday was a pretty hectic day. Aaron and Samara helped organize the first Pride festival here in Lexington, so we spent the entire day there.

It was a lot of fun, live music, vendors, alcohol, food, drag queens... They had lots of raffles and a silent auction. It was really a nice festival. It was perfect weather as well for most of the day. It was supposed to rain in the afternoon, but it held off until about 7:15-7:30, so the festival was almost over anyway.

Samara and I took a break and watched "The Happening" to cool off a little. What a horrible movie. I saw the boom mic in probably 10 different scenes. It was like they didn't even bother to edit it. The dialog was bad. The acting was bad. Although I highly enjoyed the death scenes. Some of those were pretty creative.

I woke up this morning a little bit depressed. I was dreaming about Rachel last night. Bleh.

And my legs still friggin hurt. I have a long drive ahead of me this afternoon. I had a great time this weekend though. It was worth it.

I'm pretty excited that Aaron took a job in Alaska. He starts on September 1st. I've already told him that I'm coming to visit him there for a week or so once they get settled in. I've always wanted to go to Alaska, and this is a perfect excuse.

I'm thinking I might come back here for a week in August since I have some vacation to burn. I need to get it scheduled and taken anyway so I don't lose it at the end of the year.

Day 8 Continued...

Blah, today was just plagued by problems at work. One thing after another it seems.

I managed to actually leave around 12:30, but had to stop by the bank and pick up a money order. I apparently forgot to pay my homeowners' association dues this year. Their letter was very threatening and intimidating. I figured I'd better pay it. Whatever.

Anyway, I got on the road about 1pm, and arrived here shortly before 9pm. It took me around 8 hours, but I stopped probably 5 times for gas, drinks, pee breaks, etc. Just whatever. I was not in any hurry. I wasn't going to make it in time for their award ceremony, so I just made it a nice leisurely drive.

I listened to Howard Stern most of the way up, until it started to repeat. They switched the Friday format from the "Mastertape Theater" to the "Best of the Week" show, which I like much better since I never get to listen to the whole shows throughout the week. Once it started to repeat, I was only about an hour out. Howard Stern was good at keeping my mind distracted. Music.... not so much.

I got a little depressed on the way here. I'm okay now though. I'm glad to be here. Aaron and Samara aren't home yet, so I'm just checking up on work, chilling, blogging, surfing the web, etc.

I think we might be going out tonight. I'll find out for sure when they get home. Hopefully no problems with work. Otherwise I'll have to cut the night short.

Day 8

Ah, joy. My legs hurt soooo bad from yesterday. I'm having trouble walking, and going up and down the stairs is excrutiating. Driving my car for 6 1/2 hours is going to be fun. :-)

I'm pretty excited to see Aaron and Samara. It's been quite some time, I'm trying to leave early enough to get there prior to their award ceremony at 7pm, but that's really pushing it. I wish I would've been able to take the day off.

I'm up too damned early. I need to go back to bed.

Day 7

Well,

Rachel was awake before I left for work this morning, so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to her while no one else was around.

I said to her, that I didn't want to force or rush her to make a decision or anything, but that I had been over analyzing everything to death. I asked her if she thought there was any chance for us at all.

She replies, "I don't think so."

I said, "That's what I figured. Thanks for being honest."

I'm fairly certain she already has a boyfriend. I hope he treats her well, and that they are happy. I just hope that it's a VERY recent development, although my pessimistic and paranoid nature tells me otherwise.

Nonetheless, I have no hard feelings towards her. If she was unhappy with our marriage, then this is the right decision for her, now matter how hard it is for me.

As you can probably tell, I basically spent all day at work thinking about this. I started off my day badly. :-( That's my own self destructive nature.

On a side note, I went to the gym and did too many leg squats. I came home and puked, and I can barely walk.

I also need to pack for this weekend. I'm leaving from work tomorrow and heading to Lexington to visit Aaron & Samara. I hope to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Day 6 Continued...

She called to check on Ariel. Jordan, Rachel, Jason, and one of Jordan's friends (I think?) went to a concert in Raleigh.

I just like hearing her voice. I'm so pathetic. I disgust myself with the fact that I can't stay mad at her. That I can't, not love her. That I keep stepping backwards no matter how hard I try to push myself forward. It's just one of those things, like my relationship with my father, that is going to have to dissolve and fade with time I think. But god is it hard...

Day 6

God. I wobble back and forth, back and forth. I had another lapse today, just thinking about how much I miss her. I'm so pathetic.

I wish I could be hard like she is. To just give it up so easily. Drop me out of her thoughts completely.

Oh well. Tomorrow's another wonderful day.

Still working out though... sore as all hell, and because I forgot my Crocs today, I walked on the treadmill in my work shoes. I think I have blisters forming on the bottoms of my feet. Ugh.

Update: Of course, I'm still thinking about things. I'm over analyzing it to death. I wonder if this part of my life will turn out to be like the summer after high school graduation or high school. High school was horrible. I hated it. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. That summer after high school though, I look back on as probably the best time of my life. I didn't know it at the time though. I just wonder where on the spectrum my marriage to Rachel will fall.

Day 4: Back to work

I managed to make it through yesterday with very little "down" time. I watched Dream 4 with Jason, John and Jennifer. Rachel and Jordan were dying their hair.

I kept in good spirits all night. The worst part is going to the other bedroom to sleep. It still kinda hurts.

I talked to Rachel a little about when she's planning on moving out, since we hadn't really discussed it since we were arguing heavily. Basically, as soon as she has the money, so maybe sooner rather than later? She doesn't know at this point how much she'll need or anything, but she did mention getting a month-to-month lease. Perhaps her decision isn't as set in stone as I thought.

I'm hoping the time apart, whenever it happens, helps us both. Time will only tell.

Now I'm getting ready for work. On Thursday when I left, I had hair down to my ass, and a full beard. Now my head is buzzed and I'm clean shaven. They may not let me in the building.

I also have a 5:00 appointment with a personal trainer at the gym to hopefully get me in line with what I need to be doing to get in shape. This weekend, I just did whatever...

On another note, I was sad to hear that George Carlin died. He was one of my favorites. Rachel and I saw him live when he came to Charleston, WV. He was hilarious.

Day 3: Continued...

I went and worked out again this morning at the gym. I rode the bike for 30 minutes, and walked on the treadmill for an hour. After the treadmill, my legs felt wobbly and my head was a little spinny, so I decided it was time to leave.

I did a lot of thinking while I was there (go figure), and I kept reflecting back to one thing Rachel said last night that just pierced right through me.

"I don't know if I'm in this marriage for love or convenience."

The more I think about that statement, the more I realize there's nothing I can do to change her mind. I have no choice but to pick up my head and move along.

With that being said, my stomach is a little less irritated today with the realization that there's no use in feeling sorry for myself, feeling regret, or being pissed off. I'm attempting now to eat some cottage cheese. I'm hoping it stays down.

On a side note, all this time has gone by and I kept saying how I lead a boring life and nothing ever changes. I'm not so sure that this was the change I was really looking for, but I'm beginning to accept the fact that it may be for the best.

Day 3: Moving on...

One good thing has come out of this, I've lost 6lbs since Thursday. I wonder how much of that was hair?

I did some more talking with Rachel last night. Things are still moving forward with the split. She's still very angry. We didn't fight or argue though. That's just how things go.

I guess it's time to move on. I'm going to go work out shortly. Maybe I'll lose a little more weight. Who knows...

Edit:

I have a lot of regret about this whole situation. I'm very upset with myself for making her so apathetic towards me. I hate feeling like this. Nothing seems to make it go away, and I'm not sure what else to do. I've tried everything I can think of.

Perhaps alcohol is the answer, but I'm a little scared to try that with her still in the house. I'm afraid of what might happen. I hope I don't still feel like this after she moves out. I hope that day comes soon.

Day 2: Time Trials

I'm feeling somewhat better today. I got up this morning and went and worked out for a couple of hours. I spoke to Rachel about a couple of things pertaining to the split.

Apparently it's not possible to remove your name from a bank account, so we'll have to close that one and she'll have to open a new one.

She's going to let me know her schedule so that we can go and talk to a divorce lawyer together to find out what we need to do.

This stuff is so hard.

My stomach is still all messed up. I talked to my mom for about an hour today about the whole thing. Explaining everything to her really helps me put it into perspective on how completely petty our arguments were. I guess it's just a build-up of everything. We just kept stacking the shit higher and higher and higher until it toppled, and it toppled hard.

After everything, I still love her. I miss being around her. I miss being able to talk to her. I miss hearing about how shitty her day was.

Oh well.

Day 1: Destination

Day 1:
We'll call this Day 1. I have no way to describe the range of emotions I've felt over the past 24 hours. I guess I was more upset than I thought.

My stomach is in knots.

I slept in my car at a rest area last night.

I turned off her cell phone.

I joined a gym.

I shaved my head.

I wrote her a letter.

I slept all evening.

I haven't eaten anything.

I tried to call my therapist's office to make an appointment this afternoon, but they close early on Fridays. I'll have to call back on Monday.

I'm not really sure why any of these things are occurring. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that she isn't in control of my life.

I found out last night that she is done with me. Apparently I am nothing to her anymore. That was quick. So I stole the diary she had been keeping since Monday and read it. I am an asshole. At least I know now where I stand.

What do you do? Move on, I suppose.... although I don't really know how.

She's staying here until she gets an apartment. In all honestly, I still don't mind her being here. I just wish it would come soon, but it probably won't be until the winter. I just want to sleep the next 6 months of my life away until she's gone.

No matter what is said and done, everything ends up the same. There is no way to change the inevitable. You know it. I know it.

There's nothing more to say. There's no mending the situation. There's no way to make all of the pain go away.

So here we sit. What do you say? Anything? No, I don't think so. Sometimes you have to think like you're trying to be something you're not. What does that mean?

So, here we sit again. We're going around in circles. What do you do? What do I do? I have nothing left to say to you.

That's where it all collapses. That's where it all begins.

I'm devastated. I've crumbled. I'm empty. I'm sore.

How are you? Proud, I assume.

I hate my life. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I fucked up, apparently, although I don't know how. I don't know what I did to upset her so much last night. She was upset when she came home. She was griping at me, and yelling at Ariel for nothing.

She was pissed off that they didn't have the steak she ordered at the restaurant. On the way home, we got into an argument because she was in just a bad mood.

I guess that's where I made the mistake... trying to understand.

None of this really matters. I'm not a journalist. I'm just writing this shit because no one's here to listen.

I don't understand her anger with me. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it. Not everyone thinks the same way.

I originally fought getting close to her. I guess it's time to turn this page and move on. As Rachel used to say, I'm going to "flip the switch". I won't make this mistake again.

Just keep breathing. Right?

I lose.

I fail at life. 3 years longer than I'd anticipated. I guess that's long enough.

So this is what it's like, I guess. I've never felt so suicidal. This crazy world of emotions is taking over.

The longer I sit here, the better I feel. I guess that's a plus. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

I quit. Goodbye.